Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in seanwreck's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Monday, April 10th, 2006
10:33 am	33. Who Am I? I narrate my own life. Not to anybody or even out loud. But in my head and for no reason. Last night, I was narrating my narration. And today, I write it in here. When is it gonna stop? (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
11:55 am	32. Closing Night Well there it is. I survived. Somehow. I dunno. I didn't think I would. Although, what did I really think would happen?! Who knows but I....... I guess this feels kinda odd. But it's a good sorta odd. It's now been just over a year since Nineteen and I broke up. The occasion was marked with the closing night of a play I was doing called "The Boy Friend". Nineteen came to see it and, for some reason, that got me down. I couldn't figure out why. It was a very strange mix of feelings of nervousness, foreboding, fear, anxiety and general awkwardness. I can't believe it's been a year. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime. But in some ways, I guess it was. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
12:55 pm	31. Time To Reflect I feel really shitty all the time these days. There's a weight on my shoulders. It feels like guilt but.... for what? It's not like I really have a responsibility to anyone these days. No one to really answer to (I mean socially). So why? Boredom? Depression? Anxiety? Maybe i'm just starting to feel things again. Maybe the numbness is leaving me. It took it's fucking time. Well fucking good anyway. I'm glad. Time to start doing something, feeling something, having something, making something...... Being something. I know I haven't written on here much lately. I don't really need to anymore. Well..... kinda. I'm trying to write stuff lately. I'm working on my next zine and trying also to write some fucking songs. But nothing's really coming out. So i'm putting what little creative energy I have into that. And aside from that, i've been really distracted lately. Flown kinda off-course. I've been drinking way too much and working way too much and rehearsing for a play and hanging out with friends and I haven't slowed down enough to let myself reflect on things; on how I feel; on how I don't feel; on the future; on the past; on the time i'm spending and if this is really the way I want to spend it. For now, it is but somewhere down the line - and not even too far down the line - there has to be a change. I don't really know what that change will be but... well I guess i'll see when it happens. Until then, i'll find plenty of reasons to drink and plenty of things to drink to. Bottoms up. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
1:47 am	30. My Hotel Year Hmm. Where to start. Well, i've started work on my next zine and that's going well. Well kinda. I've been thinking of scrapping what I have and going for a different approach. I guess i'll decide that in time. I don't know what's going on right now. Maybe i'm just bored but right now, i'm pretty down. I think a large part of it is that I miss Nineteen. I know, you've read all this before. But well, no you haven't. I've talked on here so much about how much I miss her and stuff but right now, I just really really miss hanging out with her. Things went different. Somewhere along the way, I lost my best friend. It's weird cos she's still there but we just never hang out properly anymore. Or maybe the reality of "properly" has changed but, if it has, I wanna change it again cos I don't like this. We hang out sometimes but we don't have real fun. Not the way we used to, just sitting around and laughing with each other, slagging everything and everyone. Nobody gets me quite the way she does, I guess. I dunno. I just miss my friend. SeanR. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
2:24 am	29. Once More With Feeling Sometimes I really hate being okay. I'm in purgatory. I feel like staying up all night for no reason. But I don't want to do that. There's no point. I'm just being stupid. My sleeping habits are really bad when i'm not working and, as a result, my diet is really suffering. I feel hungry and weak all the time because when I get out of bed at 2 or 3 in the afternoon, it seems silly to have breakfast. So I skip it and don't eat until dinner. I'm still not going back to work yet though. Fuck that. Life is trudging on. It's weird. I have a good bit of fun these days and am trying to build my new friendships. It's great to have these opportunities and I really feel lucky. But sometimes I really hate being okay. SeanR. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
12:52 pm	28. Tuesday. I looked up at the sky as I got closer to home. The sky that, minutes before, had been mauve - an overcast sky mixing with the pink sunset - was now a deep shade of blue, fading quickly into black. The music coming over my headphones seemed to get louder and the air clearer. I began to relax and take in the familiar sights with the fresh eyes of a day never before lived. There's no place like home. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
12:15 pm	27. Pasalacqua I'm not sleeping well these days. Finding it hard to get to sleep and then waking up several times during the night. Tossing and turning, trying desperately to retrieve my rest from whatever psychological force has stolen it away. Maybe it's my dreams. I don't remember most of them these days. I used to remember alot. Mostly they're nightmares, though not in the conventional sense. I don't know. Maybe that's not the problem at all. But I need more sleep. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
10:39 pm	26. Therapy. My head is sore. My heart is fucking wrecked and my brain is fucking angry. I played a gig today. An acoustic set. Loads of people really liked it. It was great. I was so nervous. And now, i'm just fucking glum. How we fall. I don't know. Everything's fucked. Not forever of course. Just gotta push on. Live on. Whatever. Urgh. Sometimes this isn't enough. Talking to friends is sometimes just what one needs. Where's Sos when I need him? SeanR. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
2:40 pm	25. Sorrow They dug up one of the last streets we walked down together. I guess it was fucked up. I never noticed. Not when it was important. The new tarmac they've layed down will make it a much smoother path. Easier and less bumpy. Better? I dunno. Dig it up and fuck with the whole thing. Make it better. Lay down a new road. I liked the bumps. They made me appreciate the walk. Maybe everyone just gave in too easily. I dunno. I liked the old road. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
1:40 pm	24. Vacancy I went to my friend Ross' house last night. I wasn't that much in the mood to go cos I was tired but i've flaked on him the last few times so I wiped my tears and went with it. I had a fun time. Didn't do very much but Ross is fun and his roommates are nice. I had planned on leaving to get home early enough 'cos I had to get up at 8am today for work but later, Darragh and Erin came over after being out drinking and they kinda breathed new life into the room. So I stayed and chatted and ate alot of the cookies that Darragh had brought Ross to thank him for letting them crash there for the night. It was fun and I was kinda disappointed when I had to be responsible and drag myself away to go home. The taxi driver was really nice and talkative and I didn't feel uncomfortable talking to him 'cos it wasn't just meaningless small-talk. He told me about the shows he listens to on the radio when he's working and how he likes RTE1 Radio because there's a show that plays some nice, old stuff that's hard to come by these days and new versions of old songs. I agreed. Some nice soft songs are just what you need on such a cold, tired night. He went on to talk about all the radio plays he listens to and how he gets sucked in and enraptured by it. I loved his enthusiasm but more than that, I loved his innocence. It was very sweet and a joy to hear someone talk so passionately about something so........ nice. So pure and innocent and artistic. I loved it. When I got to my house, I paid my fare and told the driver to keep the change and that I had a nice time talking to him. I didn't know his name. I got into the sitting room of my house and collapsed onto the couch. No matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried, I wasn't able to cry. SeanR. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
12:57 pm	23. Back And Forth Not too long ago, I wrote a friend of mine-a guy I haven't known for too long but have come unmistakably closer to recently-and told him that i'm sick of answers. I told him that I don't want them anymore and that being obsessed with finding them was something I was no longer interested in doing. This morning I felt a little different and now, I don't fucking know. I'm goin' back and forth. Five steps forward, six steps back. Is there any need? Now I just want to know. Want to know for sure. The future is too fucking far away. I'm not asking for it to be rushed forward, I just wanna see what secrets it's hiding. I know, you can't really ask that cos you can't really get it. Fair enough. But fuckin hell....... I dunno. I think my confusion is mirrored though. It has a habit of spreading anyway. How does it come about? In words? Glances? Hugs? The absence of these things? Or does it just happen on the spot? Is it a mutual thing? Does the environment create the confusion and the confusion create the environment? Maybe. I dunno. I think it's just that I fucking love holding her. SeanR. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
3:10 am	22. Fuck................. One of those nights............. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
10:06 pm	21. Against My Fears Hi. It's been a while. How are you? I hope you're well. I am. Ish. Sometimes. Sometimes i'm not. But that's ok. Everyone gets this. Right? I hope so. It sucks but everyone should feel shit sometimes. It makes the good times way better. I feel like I have a new life. As we all know, I hate and fear change. I don't like this new life. It's cool and fun and exciting and all but it's really not me. Not yet anyway. Maybe it will be someday. It's just not comfortable at all. Yeuck. I made a stand the other day. It was a stand against myself. Against my fears. I dyed my hair green. Well actually I dyed it blue and it went green. Which is fine by me. I just wanted to have a mad hair-colour. I love having green hair. I'm very conscious of it at the moment but not in a bad way. Just like... I notice people kinda looking at me a bit and I smile to myself cos I think they're probably looking at my green hair. Anyway, yeah. I know what you're thinking. "What kind of lame-ass stand is that?" Well it's just that i've always wanted to dye my hair and I never did it. I dunno why. For some reason I always had a mad fear of doing it. Maybe it was just the effort involved or maybe I just figured i'm enough of a weirdo without having green hair. But fuck that. I wanted to do it so I did it. New life, new hair. New me? Kinda. Maybe. It's hard to tell but I think it probably is. I see some people trying to get rid of some parts of the old me. They're only doing that to try to help me and make me have more fun. I appreciate that but.... Well..... I dunno. One step at a time, y'know? I can't just change myself in an instant. I don't want to. It's not........ It's the way I did things that i'd like to change. Not the ways I felt and thought about things. I'm happy with them. I mean, yeah, there's definate room for growth but not for abandonment. I think that's the thing that frightens me actually. Complete abandonment of my character. Don't want that. I mean, i'm still me, right?! Of course I am. I get really scared sometimes when I think that in 10 years, i'll be 29. Where the fuck will I be then? Do I want to be here? Where do I want to be? I don't know. I guess i'll see what happens. Erg. I wanna shake things up. I kinda wanna move out of my house for a year. Just for the laugh. And I kinda wanna go back to college. But just for the fun of being in college. And it is fun. Ugh. I don't know. I wanna end this entry but I wanna keep writing. It sucks! Okay, here's what's going on with SeanR. My hair is green. My mom hates it but my boss seems to like it! I've got writer's block (if such a thing exists). I've recieved alot of kind words about my zine and i'm very happy about that. I just found out earlier that I have a 4 day weekend! I'm going to a party on Saturday and a gig on Sunday! I went to a benefit gig last night for some New Orleans punks. I have just over one and a half hours of work left tonight! I have.... nothing more to say. I hope this entertained you! SeanR. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
8:02 pm	20. Disconnected I don't get phone calls at home anymore. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
8:45 pm	19. Cat. Number Well it's been a good few days since last I updated. My zine has been released and my fears of failure etc. have disappeared. The zine has gotten a great response so far and i'm really happy and excited about that! Though now there's a pressure to better it next time 'round! But i'll ignore that and just write from the heart like I did with #1. Last night, I went to see Kidd Blunt play in the Bohs Bar. They were fuckin' amazing as usual (the cunts) and I got extremely inebriated. I had a great night and managed to sell a few copies of my zine (to some friends) and used the money to buy beer and pistacchio nuts! Mmmmm. There've actually been no complaints about drunken SeanR. In fact, most people seem to have quite liked him. Weird. I talked to Luke from Kidd Blunt for the first time ever and was quite surprised when he asked "How's your band goin'?". I was like "You know i'm in a band?". It's a bit ridiculous to even think that he wouldn't know considering we've played gigs with his band and i'm friends with his drummer and friends and all but still. Oh yeah, I got a letter and a free zine today from a girl who i'd emailed cos I liked her first zine. She read my zine and felt compelled to write to me and she also sent me #2 of her zine. I can't wait to read it and write back. It's so deadly to get mail that isn't a fuckin' bank statement or something. Yeah, I actually thought I had more to say but apparently I don't. Go figure. SeanR. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
10:04 pm	18. Rage Fuckin' hell these work cunts deserve a good kickin'. Argh, spoiling my plans twice in one fucking week. Well, my zine is finally out. It's pretty cool to have a finished zine done. I was a little nervous about the content cos I really put alot of personal stuff in there. It's hard to know how strangers are gonna react to that. Like, my friends kinda know me well enough to expect it to be written the way it was but people who don't know me probably just think i'm a little pussbag. Ah well. I wrote the zine for me and all that shite. Urgh, fuck this. I'm too pissed off to write. SeanR. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
9:50 pm	17. Scream And Shout I don't know. Who fuckin' does? No one has the answers but it'd be fuckin' nice if someone did. Uncertainty is a killer. I don't even know what to write. But there's some parts of my present persona that I love. They just so happen to be intermingling with parts that I hate. Shit. Anyway, I fuckin' hate this thing. I need a drink. I'd love a nice cold beer. Fuckin' hell. Ugh. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
10:57 pm	16. Bored In Work Working again. I'm not even supposed to be here today. But meh! My shift is nearly over and it's been an ok one. The only bad thing is that, I get off at midnight tonight only to return at 9am tomorrow morning! But then I get Thursday off so it's fine! I went to UCD today and finished off almost all of the writing for my zine. I just had to copy lots of pages onto other pages, which is fine. The zine should be out by this time next week anyway. I can't wait! To have something like that finished is gonna be so rewarding! I'm kinda worried that it'll be shit but there's some zines i've read that just can't be better than my effort. They sound like they were written by a retarded monkey on heroin. Mine sounds like it was written by a recovering heroin addict on lithium! "Alrihe bud, giz a pound will ye, i'm atter gettin' kikt ourrih me gaff and I hafte stay in a bleedin' hostel." Ah no, it doesn't. It's pretty depressing but I like some of it alot. Anyway, I have nothing really to say today, i'm just bored. Hmm...... Well, have a good night! Fuck, I could use a beer right now. But no! Fuckin' work! Ah well. SeanR. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
4:25 pm	15. Looking up? So here I am again. One week later, back in the same place. Working again. 4:26pm and i'm here until 7. Ah well. At least I wasn't working yesterday. All the Chinese workers went to some party or something so we were short-staffed and I don't work on Saturdays but everyone who did got a 12 hour shift! Yep. Pretty steep. Anyway, back to the journal. Alot has changed. Alot is changing and there's alot more that will change over time. And I embrace it. I still fear change as I always have but I have come to realise that without it, my life will rot and I will hate myself forever. Change is inevitable but not just because that's how things are. It's also inevitable because we need change to keep us going. To inspire us and always give us something to strive for. Sometimes we're just striving for something to strive for. And I think those are our more desperate times. But we need them just as much as we need anything else. I'm a big fan of relativism! Summer's here. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
3:53 pm	14. Growing up? Party tonight! Alright! This'll be my third time drinking this week (or fifth if you count a bottle of my sister's alco-pops two separate nights....... yeah, me neither). I'm catching up. My mom goes to the pub five nights a week. Can't blame her though; she never went when I was a kid cos I wouldn't let her cos I was so protective of her or something. She probably resents me for it. Mah well. She likes me alot more these days than she used to I think. That's pretty cool. I still find it weird how little my family know me. Like the way I can't even hold a conversation with my sisters without feeling that I have to live up to the conversation. It's strange. They've all known me longer than anyone else but they don't know me at all! Well, neither do you but, if you're reading this, then you've probably got a way better idea of who I am than them. They'd hate themselves if they read this. But they ain't gonna be readin it anyway, so it's grand! Fuckin hell. 4 o'clock. I've been here since 11 and still have three hours to go! Meh. Could be worse; I could be staying home tonight and working in the morning! But no. Tonight, we drink. Excellent. I wonder how i'll get home..... SeanR. (Comment on this)